I've cried so much in the past 4 monthes.. that my tears are the only thing keeping me afloat...

I keep getting dunked by my painful memories and thoughts.. held under, left to drown.. then I am lifted slightly out, enough so that I can draw in one ragged breath before being submerged again.

I was going to end my life.. 4 monthes ago.. I even went 500 miles away to do it.. but I couldn't. I couldn't take myself away from this world, no matter how badly I wanted to.. no matter how horrible I felt. I pushed the greatest person in my life.. away.. and when I came back, it was too late to stop our relationship from unravelling..

I think about her everyday.. every night.. and have since then. I miss her so much.. I've hurt myself.. cutting, hitting things.. namely myself... but nothing takes the pain away.. and I can't .. I'm too much of a coward to end it all.. though day after day.. when I remember the last sound I heard from her, her crying...

How could I have ever treated her so badly... ignored her, pushed away because of my own insecurities.. I love you Jamee.. I love you so much... I cant believe I let you go... I regret it every waking moment.. I dream of you .... I'm crying right now, because I see your smile.. and I know you will never share it with me again...

You are the only person that ever truely loved me.. and I couldn't realize why.. and because I didn't know.. I pushed you away...

I should have never let you go... I want you so badly.. I wish I still could have you next to me.. enjoying your company... looking at you and seeing you smile just for me....

But I'll never even get to talk to you again... you're only 10 minutes away but it might aswell be a lifetime because you'll never be with me again....

I'm so sorry... I'd do anything to take it back... I'd do anything to have you back...

I love you.... you're the only person I want in my life...